.No.Regrets. (long)

Yesterday, as I was FB chatting with what I thought to be an "associate" I realized how jealous guys can become. They may not admit that they are jealous but they are! and that jealousy towards me has promoted me to express how I feel. . .here we go!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So around maybe September/October of last year (2009) I was talking to this guy [R]. I really like him. Out of all the guys I have talked to he may just be the smartest and most likely to succeed because he has a certain self- determination that many people dont have. BUT. That makes him arrogant! Now, we were talking, hung out a few times and one day everything seemed "perfect" with no issues and the next (literally the next day) he was ignoring me completely. Now being the "new" me I just let that shit go. Deleted him from my life. But we have a mutual friend. . .
So moving onto November. . .
I started talk to the current boo [E]. And we hit it off pretty easily. I'm not going to say things are "perfect" but its not a huge issue either. So about one month into me talking to him the [R] pops back up as if we ended on good terms and we have been talking this entire time. Now I'm not one to hold a grunge so I was friendly but distant. Now this fool wants to try to play me for a fool. So I let him know EXACTLY how things were. At the times his smart little comments just seemed more so like he was upset because I was no longer focused on him but now I'm not so sure.

So as these few months have went on I have continued to talk to [E] and kept a friendly relationship with [R]. 

Since [R] is nosy and always asking questions I tell him exactly whats going on. I told him how I felt about [E] when we had sex etc. Not because he needed to know but because I don't mind reminding him that we will never be anything. There's always ONE chance with me. That's it and that's all. I tried the second chance thing with my ex and. . . well hes my ex for a reason.
Now [R] came at me on FB chat yesterday with this bullshit about me having sex with [E] too early. Now this isnt the first time he has mentioned it but I never really paid him any mind. But this time it just seemed a little hostile. Like he had hopes that I would have kicked [E] by now and run back to him.

1. I never run back to no man. I don't give a fuck if you're a billionaire and in dying love with me! If I'm over you, its a wrap!

2. I like [E] and regardless of the things I don't like about him the good outweighs the bad. 

Now I never did anything with [R] other than kiss and even that wasn't elaborate. So I'm not sure if he just gets kick out of annoying me or if he really is jealous but he has all the signs of a jealous man!

And me. I have NO REGRETS about what I have done with [E].

Fuck its my pussy and I'm gonna do what I want with her!
As far as emotions. . .those are on an entirely different level. 

the end :-)
♥

A Breath to Breathe (Poem)

So cold you ache.

So hard you freeze.

So terrifying you run.

The breath I shall not feel

The breath I dare to breathe

The breath I wish not to see

But it's so cold. . .

So visible!

So full of sorrow and pain

The breath I dare not taste

The breath I dare not receive

The breath I dare not give

So cold you ache.

So hard you freeze.

So terrifying you run.

No contact necessary!

No touch needed.

You feel the pain.

You see the ache.

The breath of a cold heart

♥

.WTF.is wrong with me??

Alright here we go!

WTF is wrong with me??

So after some thinking & talking to my ex I came to the following conclusion:

Guys can't commit to me because it leads to long term.

Now I'm not saying I ever tell them that will BUT that's what they believe!

Like I'm some "goddess" or something!

I mean WTF is wrong with me?

NOT A DAMN THING!

I'm what they want 5 years from now, probably why I attract many older guys.

Right now they just want to have fun.

Talk to a few girls and have their man joint.

Fuck a few girls and come back to the main joint.

I am NOT a fucking "main joint"

Never have been and never will be.

I'm the ONLY one or no one at all!

THAT is what young guys are afraid of!

A strong young woman.

Now I'm not saying I'm ready to fully commit to one person for the rest of my life but I'm not putting a date on it.

Whenever I meet that person I want to be with for the rest of my life is fine!

I do not care if its this year or 3 years from

Same time if I feel something strong for someone I run with it!

I don't hold back on my emotions

THAT is something else young guys are afraid of!

WTF is wrong with me?

I'm too good to be true!

I have heard almost every excuse in the book!

-You're too mature

-You want too much from me

-You're different from girls I date

-You're too conservative

-You're too serious about life

You have to be fucking kidding me!

Conclusion: There's nothing wrong with me!

If they can't see that then I guess I wasn't meant to be with them

*shrug*

♥

.my.MISTAKE.

So I came to the conclusion that I have made a TERRIBLE mistake!

This one little thing that I thought was something I was doing to be a better woman has actually hurt me!

So, back in the day I had this thing about guys. . .

I never put anyone guy first and always had "backups" but then I met my ex and after a year and some ups & downs we decided to just be friends.

Thats all good but I never went back to my old ways.

I figured best way to help mature was for me to casually date one person at a time

MISTAKE!

I am way too damn emotional for that shit!

I mean I never realized it before but now. . .

O M F G!

Like seriously though. . . why am I so damn emotional?

I mean all females are emotional but something is wrong with me!

I catch feelings even when I try my hardest not to!

Like seriously though. . . I have to FIX this!

So in-light of current events. . .

I'm back to my old self!

Fuck LOVE & all that shit!

I'm going to get mines just like niggas getting there's

We not official. You want space?

COOL 

because I'm going to go out and book me some bait tonight.

They say you never know what you have until its gone.

Well I guess someone will be finding that out the hard way.

Don't get me wrong, I never said I was cutting anyone off.

Just adding to the current so I can get what I want just like everyone else.

Truth is this isn't like me but I'm tired of being the "dummy"

They say you should never let someone change you.

Kinda hard to do when you're getting screwed over every few months!

Like Seriously though WTF is wrong with me?? (next entry)

Goodbye to self. Hello to Past Self. :-)

♥

Revenge of the Heart

Revenge-to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, esp. in a resentful or vindictive spirit

I have never been one to seek revenge.

Always let things slide.

I look the other way because I'm not the conflict type.

I don't like to fight. 

I hate drama!

But once it comes down to my heart. . .

Things Change.

I Change. 

The Heart is something that can not and should not be messed with!

If I'm lusting over you i don't care if you fuck up.

If I like you I will get over your fuck up

Once I start to fall for you. . .

the games are over!

DO NOT play with my HEART!

You see here is the deal:

The heart is a sensitive organ.

Once weakened there is no returning to strength.

The heart will always love someone once it has loved them

And it will always care for someone once it has cared

So, if you make me care then you should be careful

This same sensitive organ can cause great pain.

Once hurt there is no being unhurt!

Once broken there is no being fixed only mended.

and once outraged there must be revenge.

You see. . .

I do not like to get revenge BUT

I will revenge my heart and not think twice about you or your feelings after the face.

Revenge of the heart - the most deadly revenge of all time.

♥

My .MiMaFly.

So there's this chick name "MiMaFly".

She text's me all day!

Harasses me on twitter!

Listens to all my issues!

Complains about. . .everything

And claims she KNOWS me.

I'm not even EXACTLY sure how I ended up stuck with this chick.

She has this weird addiction to butterflies!

And she's obsessed with accessories and shoes and her damn hair!

Not to mention she's always calling me short!

Its not my fault she's so damn tall!

 And the moral of this story is. . .

I LOVE THIS CHICK!

Of course sometimes she gets on my nerves but I'm sure I'm way more annoying

Oh well what are friends for?

♥

 Friendship: that one thing no one can truly live without

♥

.Your.Confused.Ass.

Your Confused Ass is causing me conflict!

I'm trying to hold on!

Not because I have to

Because I want to

Not because I think you're going to come around

Because I want you to!

Can you see the confusion?

One minute:

I'm some special person

Next minute:

You're just not in the mood to be with one person.

Then:

You're only talking to me???

Next minute:

You don't want to commit because [you dont want to hurt me]

Now:

We are stuck!

Ok. Maybe I'm just stuck!

Because I have these damn daydreams about you that I want to go away!

Because I'm starting to think I'm being strung along but I don't want to let go because what if I'm wrong.

Because this seems like it could be the "perfect" match but I'm not sure any more!

Because want something you probably never wanted in the first place!

Truth be told I tried my hardest to find some flaws.

A reason for me to cut you off.

Anything! The smallest little thing!

But I couldn't find anything.

Now, I know everyone has flaws but thats life

The problem is I can't shake this and I can't figure out why

And if you are playing fucking games you will regret it! 

I've never been the type to seek revenge but I will!

Your Confused Ass is getting me upset! 

[[ok done venting]]

♥