.me.you.us.confused. (Poem)

Well, the year is coming to an end. These past few weeks have been "interesting". All these extra emotions have been feeling me up and knocking me around.
I want you.
I dont want you.
I want sex. '
I dont care about sex.
I want a relationship
I'm content with how things are
I'm mad I haven't seen you
I no longer care
This back & forth shit has been driving me crazy!
I was so damn confused! So, I started talking to my friends. And truth be told I thought I had made a big ass mistake! But I didn't.
People can always tell you something about yourself that you are either afraid to admit or unaware of about yourself.
I was afraid to admit that I'm tired of talking to multiple guys
I was afraid to admit that I'm tired of not having relationship consistancy.
I was afraid to admit that although I have talk to many guys none of them make me feel the way I feel now.
I was afraid to admit that something I feel is missing seems to be standing right in front of me but i cant touch it
Can't see it.
Can't hold it.
But I am no longer afraid. 
I'm more so confused.
Confused because I have bottled up emotions and you probably don't give a fuck!
Confused because sometimes I wanna believe everything you say
and other times. . . I just want you to say how you truly feel.

Being a female has sooo many ups and downs!
And I have to admit that although I can be a bitch,
I have a soft side when it comes to my heart
I don't like to be played with.
I don't want to be to be "that chick".
And truth be told. . .
I'm use to being at least #2 so change is different.
And I'm not willing to change and wait this out if you won't tell me whats going on.

#1 reason im a little upset. . . i like face to face contact.
No sexual things needed.
conversation. smiling. laughing.
thinking. . .
and if you can make me think then you can probably one day have my heart.
same time, you will probably be more likely to break it.

.confused.

.i.love.me.

So, my friends tend to think I'm a little too into myself sometimes.

THEY ARE RIGHT!

I LOVE ME!

Who better to love than yourself!

I love looking at myself.

Taking pictures of myself.

Thinking about myself.

Imagining my future self.

IT ALL ABOUT ME! lol

This is just [ME].

This is the [GOOFY] me

This is what [BOREDOM] does to me.

This is inspired by [Trey Songz]: I'm only [nasty] sometimes

.random.thoughts.

I always seem to have random thoughts. I tend to make them into facebook status' but I would like to remember them one day so. . .

December 18:

.::.and if i were in your arms i would feel much better. theres nothing like the touch of you. theres nothing more warm than your smile. and theres no greater feeling than feeling complete. and i am complete with you.::.

December 19:

.::.i just wanted to know if you cared. you made it perfectly clear that you dont. i guess its time for someone else. no worries, ill never forget you. but will get over you.::.

.::.no matter what or who u do or do not believe in, you will be tested in life. Overcoming the bad for the better of the good is the way you grow. and when you grow to love, you have overcome one of the best test of them all.::.

.::.she figured she could get you to stick around. but you decided that other things were above her. now shes with him. and ur looking back with regrets. don't let love leave u bcuz once shes gone she may not come back.::.

.::.and i could probably fall in love with you but you are making it hard. we all need attention and you are obviously getting yours elsewhere. i guess you just didnt have the balls to tell me the truth..::.

.::.ignoring someone and being preoccupied can have the same effect. explaining yourself a little may help if you aren't straying away intentionally.::.

December 20:

.::.and when you no longer have anyone you realize how much you needed that one person. im reality you may not love them anymore but that doesnt make your lonely go away. and when you finally move on to better you will realize its not the person but the comfort itself.::.

.conclusion:Lonely. (Poem)

It's like I'm missing something.
My mind cant focus.
My body is confused.
I am not me.
It's like something should be there but its not. . .
It's like I can see it,
taste it
hear it
but I can't touch it
Can't put a grip on it
Can't pull it close to my heart
Can't comfort it [me]

Lonely.

My mind wonders back to the last time I felt "complete"
The last time I didn't want the present to change
The last time I was not alone
My eyes long to stare into eyes
Eyes that needed to be stricken of their loneliness as well
Eyes that longed for my eyes
My body tosses, turned, shakes
Tossing away the covers because they aren't [it]
Turning over the pillows because they aren't [it]
Shaking away the last feelings of "complete"

I am Lonely.

My body can no longer save me.
No longer can my mind shield me
No longer can my eyes block away the obvious
No longer can I NOT feel.
No longer can I hold this composure
I can no longer be content with the way I am
The way [things] are.

I am Empty.

Feelng as if there is nothing left to give.
So much to recieve
Nothing left to feel
nothing left to touch
Nothing left to see
nothing left to hold onto

I am letting it go.

Letting go of bottled up emotions.
Feelings I want to feel but can't feel
Things I need to do but can't do
Words I need to say but can't say
Imagines I want to see but can't see

I am not [ME].

Hi. My name is Lonely

.you. [Part II]

I find it funny how things work out
I adopted this "i dont give a fuck" attitude months ago!
Because every time I began to get into my feelings flaws began to appear
He just wanted to fuck
He wanted to move to fast
He was controlling
He was. . .
Almost anything you could think of I have encountered in this past year.

And then. . .YOU come along
And trust and believe I tried HARD to find the flaws before they found me.
I asked everything
Said random things
Just to see what you would do or say
My friends keep telling me not to let those of the past hurt my future
But its hard.
So I settled for finding things to be mad about.
And that didn't go too well. . .
I should slap myself!

Truth be told I'm not sure where this is going
No lie, i would usually just say "fuck it"
I threw out every HINT possible!
And I thought you wanted the same thing I wanted but now. . .
I'm not too sure about that
Maybe you're scared like I am but I'm always up for a new challenge
My heart has so many cracks and bruises that one more won't really change anything.
If you hurt me. . .I will get over it
But when I say it feels different I do mean that
I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't
I just want the chance to show you that I'm not "her" or "HeR" or any of the other females you previously messed with
And if you don't want what I want then I want you to tell me that.
I'm not saying that I will stray because I'm content
At the same time I want to know where if anywhere this is going

I'm impatient.

I want you all to myself.
And if I can't have you then I would like to know that
Besides, theres no reason for either of us to be in the blind about things
Right?

Ok. :-)

Now. . .Time to study for my math final

<3

.Beyond.This. (Poem)

I sit and I listen
I sit and I read
I sit and I give advice
To this mediocre problems those around me seem to be having
These little ass things I would die to be going through instead of what I have went through.
These little ass things you need to just suck up or DO SOMETHING about.
These little ass things that are starting to annoy me.

I'm a good friend.

So. . .
I listen.
I give advice.

But
In the back of my mind I'm thinking. . .
WTF?
Are you serious?

Maybe because my pain was on a larger scale and I can no longer see these things as a problem.
I'm beyond these things but I can't fault my friends
I can't NOT be there for them because of my personal feelings
But sometimes. . .
I WISH, they could see things the way I see it.
See that there are so many things Beyond This to worry about.
So many worse things that could be going wrong.

And maybe because I have grown to just get over the little things.
Not saying i don't get mad
frustrated
anger!
even irritated at times
I DO!
All the time!
But then I think back to where I was a few months back.
What I was going through,
how I felt,
how I had no one
And then I see where I am now and where I want to be

And I am
Beyond This!

Beyond these mediocre problems of the world.
Beyond the. . .
I need new shoes
She is pissing me off
My mom will be mad
blah.blah.blah

Onto the. . .
I just want to be happy.

Because in reality your personal happiness is all that matters
When you begin to let the outside things take over your insides
YOU FALL.
And I am not willing to fall again!

So, I am Beyond This.

.[My].Protectors. (Poem)

Armed with extreme mental and physical strength,
They protect "Red".
Protect Red from the things she fears.
The things she could never face and fight on her own.

My Monster of Love, Beauty and Eternal Youth
-Protecting Red from being heartbroken but at the same time preventing her from opening up and letting someone care for her.
-Protecting Red from seeing her outside flaws as a problem but at the same time causing her to seem slightly conceited
-Protecting Red from growing up too fast but at the same time allowing her to mature into a beautiful woman.

My Monster of Music:
-Protecting Red from stress by allowing music to take over her mind and body. relaxing her to a state of happiness whenever needed.

My Monster of War:
-Protecting Red from the unnecessary violence in the word by encouraging her to be better than those who look to violence and preventing them from getting too close.

My Monster of wisdom:
-Protecting Red from those that wish to overcome her mind. Allowing her to think for herself and help those around her.

My Monsters all have significant roles. Inspired by my current and hopefully future "relaxation" and the Greek Gods/Goddesses; they band together to protect my heart, mind and my body from the things I fear the most. My Monster of Love has the hardest job because I found myself in lust many times and ended up being hurt. Now she must protect my heart from receiving any more cracks, scrapes and bruises.
Together, my Monsters have kept me from being hurt in many ways but they have also been preventing me from being able to open my heart. They may be physically strong but it is their mentality outsiders must worry about.

Best way to out smart My monsters:
-Appreciate that I can think and do for myself.
-Protect me when needed but know that I can fight my own battles.
-Engage me in Music that I love and relate to.
And finally, to out smart My Monster of Love, Beauty and Eternal Youth
-Allow me to be the woman I want to be while still knowing that I am a work in progress.
-Know that I have flaws like everyone else but they do not make me who I am.
-Win my heart. (Easier said than done)

.Love.

What is Love?
This is a question we all ponder at some point in our lives.

The Dictionary has MANY definitions of Love (noun):
-a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
-a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
-sexual passion or desire.
-strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything
[these are only a few definitions]

There is so much to Love. But who you Love has a different meaning to me. It's about caring for a person deeply. Whether it be a family member, friend, or lover. It's about being worried when that person is in harms way. Being happy for that persons accomplishments. Understanding that person from the inside-out.

Who do you Love?

Let Go, Let Be

In the process of growing up and maturing into a better woman I have gained a new MOTTO!

Let go, and Let Be.

This can be interpreted differently for each individual person but for me it means:
Let Go: Meaning to relax and release your emotional fears.
Let Be: Meaning to allow your life to take its own course, mistakes and all.

There were times when I bottled up emotions and hated every mistake I ever made!
And I'm not sure when I came to the conclusion that I was holding myself back. . .
I realized that I couldn't continue to cry and feel sorry for myself. I realized that I was turning into a person I didn't want to be come. And I realized that I would never be happy if things didn't change.
These realizations came over time. After many obstacles and setbacks. After many mistakes and self analyzing I realized I could never be the "perfect" person was trying to be. I could never live up to the "hype". And I could never be anyone but who I wanted to be.

Once you reach this type of conclusion in your life things change. My mind set grew to be more focused and goal oriented. I opened up from my shyness and took on tasks I wouldn't normally take up. I am nowhere near where I want to be in the long run but I am making progress at my own pace.

For now I will

Let Go, and Let Be.