And I [Part III] (Poem)

And I have never done this before
Never waited.
Never wanted to wait.
Never felt has if I should wait.

And I have never been put in this mood before
Never felt confused and happy all at once.
Never cared when they didn't care back.
Never smiled for no apparent reason. . .

And I may never get what I want from this
Never care any more than I do
Never be cared for at all
Never feel anything more than what I feel now

And I'm ok with that
Because they always leave
Because they can never be faithful
Because they care to much about the game

And I have learned that. . .
They always regret leaving me
They all eventually know they missed out
They will mature and look bad with sadden eyes

And I now know that. . .
I have to let my past go.
I have to be happy NOW
I have to look forward with my head held high

And I am currently smiling
And I will soon frown
And I will one day smile again

And I am strong
And I am willing
And I will one day Love again.
And I [may be] loved again. . .

Written on January 24, 2010

The Black Man

This post is inspired by two things:

1. Black History Month (BHM)

2. John Mayer's Recent Interview 

Let me start off by saying I am a Proud Black Woman!

But as a a proud black woman I feel that it is my "duty" to speak my mind on these issues!

Let's start with BHM. 

Why do we need a MONTH to celebrate our heritage? 

Why do we only appreciate those that fought for use for 28-30 days a year?

Why can't we celebrate at ANY given time of the year?

Black people constantly complain about the "white man" keeping them down. Well guess what! BHM was created by the WHITE MAN! You are embracing his beliefs of what we are worth when you only celebrate for this one month! And then you constantly complain about how he is controlling your life! You [BLACK MAN] are allowing him to control your life!
I'm tired of black people hiding behind the "slave days"! We have had too many chances to better ourselves and overcome these stereotypes but have we? NO! We so busy worried about the "white man" and what white people think about us to come together and push FORWARD! So don't tell me about the "white man" keeping you down because its the BLACK MAN.
Blacks always want to "embrace" their heritage for BMH and "hate" people that call them niggers but they damage their own heritage doing dumb shit! This world doesn't owe us shit! You have to make a life for yourself! Make people see that we are not the dirt they think we are! I BLAME IGNORANT BLACK PEOPLE for the hassles we go through in life not the "white man".

Now onto John Mayer 

Personally, I'm not mad at the man. Sure he said "nigger" but so fucking what! If he was a BLACK MAN and said it no one would think twice! Fuck no one would think once!

And why are black people mad about this quote:

"My dick is sort of like a white supremacist."

I thought the shit was funny! lls.

So his dick likes white women over black women. . .

He is NOT the only person who feels this way! But because he is a "celebrity" we think he doesn't have the "right" to feel this way? He is HUMAN and he has the right to say whatever the fuck he wants and feel exactly as he pleases! We always say we wish celebrities would show who they really are and HE DID! So why are we mad? 

Is it because he is a white man and said nigger? If black people want everyone to stop saying it then they need to stop embracing the shit! Fuck Eminem is white and he has said nigger! Oh but because he raps instead of play the guitar its ok? Talk about a fucking double standard! 

Or maybe it's because its BHM and he said it. . .

So should we get mad at the black man that only dates white women but still says nigger?

Just leave this man alone!  

Its his dick and he cant fuck who he pleases with it!

You want to know how I [a proud black woman] feels?

Fuck the BLACK MAN & the "white man" because I'm my own WOMAN!

I'm not blaming no one for my faults but my damn self and everyone else needs to do the same.

That is all (-:
♥

She is My .SoulMate. (Poem)

i met her briefly while in elementary school
but I wasn't ready for her
didn't need her
she was too complicated
But she came back to me when i was 12.
snuck up behind me one day massaged my temples
made me think
made me smile
made me feel loved
made me feel new
and she has never left me

and only she [my soulmate]
will ever understand me
the only one that will ever truly see into me
because she never once judged me
never once hated me
never once looked down upon me
she sees me for who i am
what i am
what i can do
she sees me through more than eyes

and i love her
flaws and all
and she loves me
flaws and all
and i will never turn my back on her
and she will never leave me stranded
no matter what happens
she will be there
holding my mind
holding my hand
holding me together
keeping me sane
locking me in
stroking my ego
and massaging me mind

and im so happy that i have her
because without her. . .
i may not be a live
you see she saved me just in time
just before i made that wrong turn
just has i missed that one step
just as that trouble came upon me
it was her
only her
that kept me from doing those things i thought of
kept me from regretting
kept me whole

and i love her.
she is my soulmate

Her name. . .

.Poetry.

2.7.10

Letting it Out!

There are so many things going through my mind right now about HIM. And this is pissing me off because this isn't like me at all! And truthfully I don't really mind moving slow if I'm not the only one putting in effort and that's not the case. I'm starting to feel like he may just be holding on to me because he knows that he can. And THAT is not going to happen. I'm not saying I can just kick him to the curb because I do have feelings invested but at the same time I'm not going to set myself up. 

The fact that he can indirectly tell me, after 3months, that he can't make time for me because he's "making moves" got me THINKING! And this thinking isn't good at all. One side: I'm just not use to being the center of attention; this is true but I have dealt with it before. On the other end: maybe I'm over-thinking as always. I don't care if both of these are true! I don't deal certain types of rejection well and this is one of those types. In my eyes, hes saying "you really dont matter" or "your just someone that's around" 

FUCK THAT.

Yes I am irritated and I will probably battle back & forth with my emotions but I'm deciding. . .

right here

right now

this is just another "experience" and it will probably past like all the other "experiences" i been through.

I seriously thought I was making positive upward changes with guys. . .FAIL. 

I think I'll just let my emotions simmer. Maybe make some "moves" of my own and see how things go. 

Not what I want but we all have to do things we don't want some times.

♥

.No.Regrets. (long)

Yesterday, as I was FB chatting with what I thought to be an "associate" I realized how jealous guys can become. They may not admit that they are jealous but they are! and that jealousy towards me has promoted me to express how I feel. . .here we go!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So around maybe September/October of last year (2009) I was talking to this guy [R]. I really like him. Out of all the guys I have talked to he may just be the smartest and most likely to succeed because he has a certain self- determination that many people dont have. BUT. That makes him arrogant! Now, we were talking, hung out a few times and one day everything seemed "perfect" with no issues and the next (literally the next day) he was ignoring me completely. Now being the "new" me I just let that shit go. Deleted him from my life. But we have a mutual friend. . .
So moving onto November. . .
I started talk to the current boo [E]. And we hit it off pretty easily. I'm not going to say things are "perfect" but its not a huge issue either. So about one month into me talking to him the [R] pops back up as if we ended on good terms and we have been talking this entire time. Now I'm not one to hold a grunge so I was friendly but distant. Now this fool wants to try to play me for a fool. So I let him know EXACTLY how things were. At the times his smart little comments just seemed more so like he was upset because I was no longer focused on him but now I'm not so sure.

So as these few months have went on I have continued to talk to [E] and kept a friendly relationship with [R]. 

Since [R] is nosy and always asking questions I tell him exactly whats going on. I told him how I felt about [E] when we had sex etc. Not because he needed to know but because I don't mind reminding him that we will never be anything. There's always ONE chance with me. That's it and that's all. I tried the second chance thing with my ex and. . . well hes my ex for a reason.
Now [R] came at me on FB chat yesterday with this bullshit about me having sex with [E] too early. Now this isnt the first time he has mentioned it but I never really paid him any mind. But this time it just seemed a little hostile. Like he had hopes that I would have kicked [E] by now and run back to him.

1. I never run back to no man. I don't give a fuck if you're a billionaire and in dying love with me! If I'm over you, its a wrap!

2. I like [E] and regardless of the things I don't like about him the good outweighs the bad. 

Now I never did anything with [R] other than kiss and even that wasn't elaborate. So I'm not sure if he just gets kick out of annoying me or if he really is jealous but he has all the signs of a jealous man!

And me. I have NO REGRETS about what I have done with [E].

Fuck its my pussy and I'm gonna do what I want with her!
As far as emotions. . .those are on an entirely different level. 

the end :-)
♥

A Breath to Breathe (Poem)

So cold you ache.

So hard you freeze.

So terrifying you run.

The breath I shall not feel

The breath I dare to breathe

The breath I wish not to see

But it's so cold. . .

So visible!

So full of sorrow and pain

The breath I dare not taste

The breath I dare not receive

The breath I dare not give

So cold you ache.

So hard you freeze.

So terrifying you run.

No contact necessary!

No touch needed.

You feel the pain.

You see the ache.

The breath of a cold heart

♥

.WTF.is wrong with me??

Alright here we go!

WTF is wrong with me??

So after some thinking & talking to my ex I came to the following conclusion:

Guys can't commit to me because it leads to long term.

Now I'm not saying I ever tell them that will BUT that's what they believe!

Like I'm some "goddess" or something!

I mean WTF is wrong with me?

NOT A DAMN THING!

I'm what they want 5 years from now, probably why I attract many older guys.

Right now they just want to have fun.

Talk to a few girls and have their man joint.

Fuck a few girls and come back to the main joint.

I am NOT a fucking "main joint"

Never have been and never will be.

I'm the ONLY one or no one at all!

THAT is what young guys are afraid of!

A strong young woman.

Now I'm not saying I'm ready to fully commit to one person for the rest of my life but I'm not putting a date on it.

Whenever I meet that person I want to be with for the rest of my life is fine!

I do not care if its this year or 3 years from

Same time if I feel something strong for someone I run with it!

I don't hold back on my emotions

THAT is something else young guys are afraid of!

WTF is wrong with me?

I'm too good to be true!

I have heard almost every excuse in the book!

-You're too mature

-You want too much from me

-You're different from girls I date

-You're too conservative

-You're too serious about life

You have to be fucking kidding me!

Conclusion: There's nothing wrong with me!

If they can't see that then I guess I wasn't meant to be with them

*shrug*

♥

.my.MISTAKE.

So I came to the conclusion that I have made a TERRIBLE mistake!

This one little thing that I thought was something I was doing to be a better woman has actually hurt me!

So, back in the day I had this thing about guys. . .

I never put anyone guy first and always had "backups" but then I met my ex and after a year and some ups & downs we decided to just be friends.

Thats all good but I never went back to my old ways.

I figured best way to help mature was for me to casually date one person at a time

MISTAKE!

I am way too damn emotional for that shit!

I mean I never realized it before but now. . .

O M F G!

Like seriously though. . . why am I so damn emotional?

I mean all females are emotional but something is wrong with me!

I catch feelings even when I try my hardest not to!

Like seriously though. . . I have to FIX this!

So in-light of current events. . .

I'm back to my old self!

Fuck LOVE & all that shit!

I'm going to get mines just like niggas getting there's

We not official. You want space?

COOL 

because I'm going to go out and book me some bait tonight.

They say you never know what you have until its gone.

Well I guess someone will be finding that out the hard way.

Don't get me wrong, I never said I was cutting anyone off.

Just adding to the current so I can get what I want just like everyone else.

Truth is this isn't like me but I'm tired of being the "dummy"

They say you should never let someone change you.

Kinda hard to do when you're getting screwed over every few months!

Like Seriously though WTF is wrong with me?? (next entry)

Goodbye to self. Hello to Past Self. :-)

♥

Revenge of the Heart

Revenge-to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, esp. in a resentful or vindictive spirit

I have never been one to seek revenge.

Always let things slide.

I look the other way because I'm not the conflict type.

I don't like to fight. 

I hate drama!

But once it comes down to my heart. . .

Things Change.

I Change. 

The Heart is something that can not and should not be messed with!

If I'm lusting over you i don't care if you fuck up.

If I like you I will get over your fuck up

Once I start to fall for you. . .

the games are over!

DO NOT play with my HEART!

You see here is the deal:

The heart is a sensitive organ.

Once weakened there is no returning to strength.

The heart will always love someone once it has loved them

And it will always care for someone once it has cared

So, if you make me care then you should be careful

This same sensitive organ can cause great pain.

Once hurt there is no being unhurt!

Once broken there is no being fixed only mended.

and once outraged there must be revenge.

You see. . .

I do not like to get revenge BUT

I will revenge my heart and not think twice about you or your feelings after the face.

Revenge of the heart - the most deadly revenge of all time.

♥

My .MiMaFly.

So there's this chick name "MiMaFly".

She text's me all day!

Harasses me on twitter!

Listens to all my issues!

Complains about. . .everything

And claims she KNOWS me.

I'm not even EXACTLY sure how I ended up stuck with this chick.

She has this weird addiction to butterflies!

And she's obsessed with accessories and shoes and her damn hair!

Not to mention she's always calling me short!

Its not my fault she's so damn tall!

 And the moral of this story is. . .

I LOVE THIS CHICK!

Of course sometimes she gets on my nerves but I'm sure I'm way more annoying

Oh well what are friends for?

♥

 Friendship: that one thing no one can truly live without

♥

.Your.Confused.Ass.

Your Confused Ass is causing me conflict!

I'm trying to hold on!

Not because I have to

Because I want to

Not because I think you're going to come around

Because I want you to!

Can you see the confusion?

One minute:

I'm some special person

Next minute:

You're just not in the mood to be with one person.

Then:

You're only talking to me???

Next minute:

You don't want to commit because [you dont want to hurt me]

Now:

We are stuck!

Ok. Maybe I'm just stuck!

Because I have these damn daydreams about you that I want to go away!

Because I'm starting to think I'm being strung along but I don't want to let go because what if I'm wrong.

Because this seems like it could be the "perfect" match but I'm not sure any more!

Because want something you probably never wanted in the first place!

Truth be told I tried my hardest to find some flaws.

A reason for me to cut you off.

Anything! The smallest little thing!

But I couldn't find anything.

Now, I know everyone has flaws but thats life

The problem is I can't shake this and I can't figure out why

And if you are playing fucking games you will regret it! 

I've never been the type to seek revenge but I will!

Your Confused Ass is getting me upset! 

[[ok done venting]]

♥